Can selfless love really exist?

Love is a huge topic of discussion in our lives — whether describing the beauty of a mother’s love, discussing romantic love, enjoying the love between friends, love for humanity, or love for God. In his lectures, Swami Vivekananda mentions:

“When you have succeeded in loving your husband, your wife, your children, the whole world, the universe, in such a manner that there is no reaction of pain or jealousy, no selfish feeling, then you are in a fit state to be unattached.”

But, in the context of the aforementioned types of love, is it really possible to achieve love without pain or jealous, love without selfish feeling?

In our daily lives, this conflict can be seen most clearly in forms of romantic love — jealousy (or even just pretending to be jealous!) seems normal between lovers, even a sign of how much they care for each other! Swamiji is suggesting that perhaps this is not true love…But what would distinguish love for a specific person from general love of humanity, other than a feeling of attachment to that specific person? If it is not correct to love with a selfish feeling, is falling in love with one person (as many of us hope to do eventually…) wrong? It seems to me that all types of love are inherently selfish, because they single out specific individuals whom we choose to shower our love upon — whether those individuals are our children, lovers, friends, or even God. Is it possible to love unselfishly?

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Recently, my parents were reminiscing about coming to America, a story that I’ve heard several times before. In 1983, my parents left their families in Kolkata, India and embarked to New York City to start a new life together. My dad, a research scientist, had won a generous fellowship award and was given a post-doctorate position at Rockefeller University. My mom, who was pregnant with my sister at the time, would take some time off from work until my sister got a little older. My parents came to New York with two suitcases and roughly $4,000. My dad’s yearly salary at Rockefeller was less than $15,000, so things were very tight for the first few years.

During this conversation, my mom and dad shared with me fond memories of their New York City one bedroom apartment. They also talked about dinner gatherings with my dad’s colleagues and play dates my sister had with the other children in the building. My mom told me about the park that she took my sister to everyday and the new things she taught herself, such as Indian cooking and laundry. My dad often worked until 12 or 1 AM, and my mom would put my sister to sleep and then wait for my dad. After hearing these stories, I tried to picture my parents with a newborn child in New York City and envision the life they were living. If any of you have read Jhumpa Lahiri’s The Namesake or seen the movie, then you’ll be to understand the images that filled my mind.

Many of us are first-generation children of immigrant parents from India, and I don’t know if we always remind ourselves of the challenges and difficulties our parents endured to ensure the best possible life for us and our brothers and sisters. Leaving family, friends, the comfort of a familiar home, and their motherland, our parents traveled thousands of miles with the hope that we would have endless opportunities in America.

After settling here, our parents strove to instill within us the Indian values that they held most dearly. Additionally, they did everything they could to keep their culture alive. Mom and Dad taught us their mother tongue, took us to singing and dancing lessons, encouraged us to learn different Indian instruments, and recited ancient religious stories about life. They took us to India to visit our distant relatives and show us the lives of other boys and girls our age (we saw how “the other half” lived).

As I reflect on my parents’ contributions over the past nineteen years, I come to the realization that I may not fully understand how much they have done for me, but I am confident that they have shaped me into the individual who I am today. There are various elements of myself that I know originate from my mom or dad, and many of my beliefs and values stem from their parenting, work ethic, and character. It might sound cliché, but I know I would not be who I am today without the influence of my parents; further, I believe that as I continue to grow older and understand life more, I will get a better sense of all they have done for me.

As we approach the last few days with our parents, let’s spend as much time with them as possible and tell them how appreciative we are. We’re only home for such a limited time, so let’s make the most of that time and make new memories with our loved ones.

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Generally speaking, it’s safe to say that most of our parents have been married through the system of the arranged marriage. Although it has been tradition for the families to be wed through an arranged marriage, today’s parents, for the most part, seem to have a more lenient definition of arranged marriage. In some cases, the once blasphemous idea of the ‘love marriage’ does not seem so outlandish to the parents of our generation. But the prospect of ‘love marriage’ sometimes seems to bring in a whole new set of problems for the marriage process. What if the other person is of another caste? That issue, if it is one, will ideally not matter over time. However, what if the person is of another religion? What will happen then? What religion will the potential children follow?

I was talking with my friends about this the other day and we were completely baffled as to what one would do in that situation. What would most likely happen would be that either the husband or the wife would convert to his or her spouse’s religion, thereby ending the issue. But how willing would one be to give up his or her religion? Would one’s family be okay with him or her giving up the family religion? Would it be right for one to ask his or her spouse to give up their religion?

I’m obviously not stating that marriage between various races never works. I know many people that are part of successful inter-religious marriages. My question to all is: what would you do if you were in that situation? Would you be willing give up your family religion for your love?

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I’ve found a lot of people at Harvard are unfamiliar with Amma, so here is a brief introduction. Born in Kerala, India to a fishing family, Amma has been giving darshan over the past 30 years to people in the form of hugs. It is estimated she has hugged over 30 million people worldwide. Many devotees regard her as the Mother Goddess Herself, incarnated on Earth to help ease our suffering. She has performed miracles, and often, people with bad habits (e.g. smokers, alcoholics) are so inspired after meeting her that they drop their bad habits.

Regardless of whether one believes in her divinity, Amma’s immense love and commitment to serving humanity are a true inspiration: she has initiated a tremendous array of charitable activities, from disaster relief to healthcare, education, social welfare, and nature care. She provided relief work and contributed 23 million dollars for the 2004 Asian Tsunami, contributed 1 million dollars and relief work for Hurricane Katrina in 2005, and disaster relief for the Gujarat earthquake, the Mumbai floods, Kashmir-Pakistan earthquake and Bihar floods. Amma has numerous charitable hospitals, AIDS carehomes, and state-of-the-art medical facilities such as her super-specialty hospital, AIMS, where free or reduced-fee care is provided to the poor. She has established over 60 educational institutions across India, provides employment and pensions to destitute women, and has established several orphanages.

What is unique about Amma’s charitable activities is the value-added nature of the seva (selfless service). An analogy is given, of transferring oil from container to container. The final container will receive significantly less oil than was initially poured, because oil sticks to the sides of all the intermediate containers while transferring. In various institutions, when someone contributes 1 dollar, the amount that eventually reaches the intended recipient may be significantly less because of various infrastructural and volunteer costs. But with Amma’s sevites, the seva becomes value-added — each person volunteers their time and services, thereby adding value to what was initially 1 dollar, enabling a much larger value to reach the final recipient.

Amma’s life is quite literally an offering to humanity — every moment of her life is spent hugging and consoling others, managing various charitable institutions, and instructing spiritual seekers. On occasion, she has sat for over 20 hours straight, hugging devotees. Out of her compassion, she usually ends up getting very little sleep and eating very little.

Though she was born in a Hindu family, Ammachi has devotees of all faiths — Christians, Hindus, Muslims, Jews. Her pure unconditional love and selfless nature inspire even those who don’t believe in any specific God. When asked why she receives and lovingly embraces everyone who comes to her, she replies “If you ask the river, ‘why do you flow?’ what can it say?”

Amma was visiting the U.S. over the past two months, and visited Boston from July 15-19. On the 15th, our own Diana Eck was present to say a few words, and receive darshan. During the public programs, Amma led bhajans, gave satsang, led a brief meditation and prayer for world peace, and then gave darshan. Additionally, during the retreat, Amma served food to her devotees, and answered their questions in a question-and-answer session. During this week, devotees had the chance to perform various types of selfless service, or seva. At the end of the week was the Devi Bhava program, where Amma went into the bhava of Devi herself, dressing in the attire of Devi, and giving darshan from 8pm till 9am the next morning!

This past week was truly enjoyable for me, performing seva and spending time in the presence of a realized spiritual master, my mother, Ammachi.

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Of course, religious love is encouraged in any religion — devotion to God, or to any ideal is always seen as positive; and in fact, the Bhakti Yoga claims that this love and devotion can be channeled into a path leading to realization!

The confusion arises when thinking of romantic love — is it encouraged by Hinduism? Or discouraged? Or is it simply not mentioned in our scripture? I don’t think it can be the last category, since many Hindu texts have openly romantic/sexual commentary — the Mahabharata essentially occurs because King Pandu cannot control his desires, and thus dies, according to the curse he was given many years back. Kama Sutra is famous in the Western world as the manual for different positions and other things. And the list goes on. However, what do these references mean? Indian culture makes such topics taboo — and so, I have never been comfortable enough to actually analyze what these things mean.

But in terms of relationships, I think it is important to analyze the reasons behind the relationship. Just as religious devotion is meant to bring us closer to God, so that we can improve as people, I would think that Hinduism’s approach to earthly relationships would be to suggest that our they, too, should serve the same purpose — they should lift us up. So, whether the relationship is a friendship, a romantic relationship, or something else, we should constantly examine why we claim to love others. Are we helping others by spending time with them? What is the basis for our relationships? 

Unfortunately, I don’t know the scriptural basis for any of the conclusions I just mentioned — so if you know or have an opinion on this, please comment and share what you think!

In any case, this idea of making sure that my connections to others are based on something higher than just physical attraction, or fondness of gossiping together, or partying together, has really helped me — after, as it says on the main page of the Swadharma website: talking about these things is the best way to really get to know someone; and to form any meaningful connection, you have to really know the person — their thoughts, not just their physical characteristics. So, this belated Valentine’s Day post is dedicated to all those willing to discuss these things — thanks for letting us really get to know you! 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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