In his post yesterday, Saketh mentioned that for him, “the most valuable friendships are between those who are alike in virtue.”
Thinking about this, I came to the question: What really defines a good friend? Is it simply that virtues are alike? While I partly agree with what Saketh said, I also very much agree with something Henry Ford once said:
“My best friend is the one that brings out the best in me.”
In a very inspiring article by Swami Tyagananda, the swami in the Vedanta Society of Boston, he says that being in the presence of different people brings out our own different tendencies. I know I have noticed, and sometimes been disturbed by how some people act so differently, based on whom they are hanging out with — their language style changes, their choice of topics to discuss change, and even certain mannerisms change. Even more disturbingly, I have noticed that it isn’t just other people that do this — I, too, am unconsciously influenced by the people whom I spend time with. Certain people tend to bring out my tendency to gossip; others bring out my fun, energetic side; still others bring out my “aunty” qualities; and still others bring out my passion for discussing deeper, meaningful topics. Swami Tyagananda mentioned how important it is to notice what effect others have on you — and to decide what to do accordingly. In this sense, his article is a little unclear: If certain people bring out our base qualities, is it better to avoid them? Or is the realization that they have this effect on us enough for us to stop being affected so easily by others?
In any case, my views on friendship are very much based on that idea — my best friends are those who bring out the best in me, who help me to realize my potential, and constantly encourage me to think deeper, to act with sincerity and love, and correct me when I wander onto the wrong path.
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It is a very interesting question that you raise, Sonali. I tend to agree with you that my best friends are probably those who bring out the best in me, based on who I tend to hang out with. However, I also see some merit in learning from those friends who bring out other not-so-desirable qualities. Perhaps it encourages one to question one’s own values and delve deeper?
In a sense, I liken it to debating a topic with someone who disagrees with you. You tend to question your own reasons for believing something and dig deeper for answers in order to present a coherent argument. However, that is not to say that you necessarily change your views; rather, you learn more by having to present yourself amidst an opposing viewpoint.
‘My best friend is the one that brings out the best in me.’ This reminds me of one of the stories of Sharada Maa, ‘I am your daughter’. When Sharada Maa encountered a theif, without having to be the thief’s best friend, she managed to bring out the better person in the the thief. When she said ‘I am your daughter’ to the thief, she brought out the better characteristic of a father.
As was written in the paper about Sharada Maa’s incident, we all have every type of seed for every kind of characteristic possible. It is our peers and our mentors and everyone we interact with that water certain seeds, which grow into the forest that is our character. Though it may seem obvious that in order to prevent the seeds of bad character from growing, one should avoid people with those sets of beliefs, it may not be the best choice. Like Ameya had said, interacting with people of different and even opposing ideologies may prove to be helpful in more ways than one. One possible result could be that you help the other person to take a better path – you water the ‘good’ seeds in the other person. Another possible result is that such interaction will reinforce and fortify your beliefs. But also, another plan of action would be to not allow such bad seeds in us to become watered by others through the realization that ‘they have this effect on us’. Once this is mastered (much easier said than done), anyone can be your friend!
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